Food Funerals and Learning Curves

I love food. I didn't get to 379 pounds because I ate like a fucking bird. Nope, I loved all kinds of food. I especially loved good food; well made, good ingredients, highly flavored food. Since surgery I've pretty much given up most food since I can eat 3 to 4 bites and I'm done. I'm sad about giving up that food where before I wasn't. There are certain things they don't tell you before surgery. No matter how many boards you join or how many support groups you attend no one can realy describe the frustration with not being able to eat anything because it's truly hard to describe what that feels like.

It's impossible to explain to someone that removing part of their stomach will change their taste buds. Seriously, someone I know who had this surgery told me it happened to her. I thought she was crazy. I'd just like to say I still think you're crazy Kenna just not about that! How do you explain to someone  that after surgery it will take them an hour to eat 1/4 of a cup of refried beans but they can drink a 24 oz bottle of water in that same time? Oh, but not togehter. NEVER together. That's like the golden rule of  WLS - Thou Shalt Not Eat and Drink At The Same Time.

Every day is a new learning curve. I can't seem to shop properly yet. I still try to buy things for the eater I was before. I've wasted more food now than I ever did when I was a normal eater. Part of it is because I can't eat it fast enough but a part of it is one bite of the food and I'm like nope, not gonna happen. And my husband can't eat it because of the salt content. Some things that I can't eat - tuna fish (oh dear god, no) Dannon fit and lite greek yogurt (that shit tastes so nasty and artificial) powdered protein drinks (yeah, vomit inducing).

Today is another adventure in shopping land where I'm going to head out and see what kinds of trouble I can get into at Trader Joe's in the cheese isle. I thank the WLS gods that cheese seems to be a wonderful food for me after surgery because some days that's all I can eat. I'm thinking fresh mozzarella needs to make an appearance in my life. I may add some canned peppers as vegggies since they're nice and soft and see how that sits on the tummy. I know olives do well.

How Does One Survive on 600 Calories A Day? Plus, a stall and a new job

What do I eat now that my stomach is basically the size of my thumb? Not a lot. I can usually manage about one or two bites of food at a time. What does a typical day's menu look like? Well, last week I ate an ounce of greek yougurt with a defrosted strawberry blended into it and a packet of stevia. For a snack I had a bottle of Muscle Milk protein drink. Lunch consisted of an ounch of sugar free pudding and dinner was a mini baby bell cheese. And, to wrap it all up, for desert I had a lovely sugar free popcicle. Yeah, that's my day of exciting food.  Today I managed to eat actual food which was exciting for me. I had two thin slices of deli ham and a slice of Swiss cheese at lunch. I call that a success!

I'm 3 weeks out from surgery and I have hit what many people have experienced on my various Facebook boards have - the dreaded 3 week stall. I knew it was coming so I was prepared emotionally for it to happen. The scale has not moved in a week. In fact, it went up a few tenths of a pound. In the scheme of things who cares! I've lost 72 pounds so far and eventually this stall shall pass and I will continue moving back down the scale and will lose the weight. Stalls happen in this journey. It's inevitable. Success is how we handle those stalls without being discouraged so much that we sabotage ourself and our food plan.

This past week I've started a new job and I'm having to learn how to deal with less energy but still having to get work done. Even though my job is a desk job, it takes a lot of mental energy to figure out all of the steps involved in this new job. I've been thrown into the deep end with only 4 days of training. By the time I get home in the evening I'm physically and mentally drained. I've been gonig to sleep every night at 9 because I'm so exhausted. I'm hoping to start walking at lunch to up my energy level during the day. Adding real food to my diet should also help.

I visisted a friend today who hasn't seen me in awhile and of course he noticed immediately the amount of weight I've lost. It's funny how comments about how great I look don't make me feel like I'm great or special, they just make me feel like I'm losing weight. I attribute this to my therapist and the work we've been doing around my body image and my attitude about my weight loss and this surgery. The weight loss is important but what is really important is how my body feels.

Feeling Discouraged

My doctor moved me to what he terms soft foods - lunch meats, fish, moist chicken, tuna fish - and I can't eat them. It feels like they stick in the back of my throat every time I try to eat them. It's just so discouraging. So, I've moved back down to purees and really soft foods such as refried beans and yogurt and cottage cheese. I feel like I've failed or something at this even though there are others on this program who are on liquids for 4 weeks after surgery. I really wanted to move off of protein drinks but it looks like I don't have that choice. I've always wanted to do everything perfectly and Slevlanka is really teaching me that perfection has no room in this journey. Just when I think I'm ready to do things one way that little bitch decides to change the way things are done.

So This Is How It Begins

So here's a little bit of what I wrote the first few days home from the hospital:

August 17, 2014

I'm freaking starving right now and I can't sleep because of it. All I can think about is food but I know I can't have any. My side aches from where the gas bubble is trapped near my major incision and I'm obsessing about all the things I'll be able to eat in a few weeks. Oh, and my stomach and intestines are making noises and I have to pee. This is the first night I've had trouble sleeping. They say this surgery and lack of food makes you exhausted. So far that's not the case. They say this surgery makes you nauseous, so far I've had very little nausea. They say that you'll have horrible gas pain; so far, there has been very little. Overall I'd say I've had a very easy surgery experience. This is so very much unlike anything I ever get to experience when it comes to surgery and the like. I'm usual the one who ends up with all the weird side effects with all the drugs and such. I'm the one that if it's going to happen, it will happen to me. But, it hasn't happened to me. I keep asking myself why? Shouldn't it be worse than this? Why is this so easy? Shouldn't I be punished for abusing my body for all of these years? And, while everyone else is going through this horrible period of missing food and having to adjust to everything and all the changes the only issue I'm having is whether or not I can keep down my protein shake which tastes like ass! I need to make an appointment to get back in to see my therapist as soon as possible but we'll see when I can afford it again after surgery. I need to discuss all of these changes going on. And, I really want to get back to work too! I'm so bored not being able to do anything around the house but sit around and watch tv and play online. BORING!

August 18, 2014

Day 6 and I still have to take pain meds when I wake up. This morning my major incision was burning and I'm not really quite sure what that's about. I'm really grateful that a single dose of the acetaminophen/codeine works to combat the pain. That first night home I tried to take a double dose and it basically made me feel like shit. I think that this is the stuff the the rappers use in the sizzurp recipe they take to get high. Well, actually I just looked it up and there is another medicine as part of it that is an anti-anxiety/anti-nausea drug. Ok, the weird stuff I think about while stuff at home with nothing to do but write and watch tv. LOL! 

So, today's plan - walk every hour, sip my fluids to make sure I stay hydrated. I'm pushing for my 3,000 steps today. I almost made it yesterday. I didn't start walking early enough though so now I'm starting earlier and trying to make sure I get my walking in. I haven't been tired enough yet to nap but they keep saying I will be. So far that hasn't happened except the first day. I know I shouldn't compare myself to others but I do. My recuperation is going so different than any one else's. In fact, it seems to be so easy so far. I'm just so pleased with how easy in fact. I think part of it is due to how healthy I was in the first place - no high blood pressure, no high cholesterol, no high blood sugar. The only co-morbidity was the weight and sleep apnea. Looking at the internal pictures I do have a lot of internal fat which is not good to my health. That is why losing this weight is very important!